Warning: This one’s personal and has nothing do with my pursuit of earning a comic writing gig aside from casting off the bullshit people try to throw your way when you are no longer of value to them. Read at your own risk.
10/10/2011 Update — Ties That Blind
Today is my daughter’s fourth birthday and I haven’t even spoken to her to wish her a happy one. Apparently, I’m not “allowed” to see my kids anymore and I’ve really been feeling it for awhile now. It’s been awhile since my last entry and the reason is not because I’ve been so swamped with writing comics and screenplays. Really, this is not to anyone in particular (yeah, right) I’m hoping that writing about my feelings will help me do what I need to do. Among other things.
A couple weeks ago something happened that is seriously to causing me major stress, anxiety and overall internal consternation. Basically, something went down regarding my kids that I seriously need to get off my chest. I’m hoping that after writing this, after acknowledging what happened and talking about it I can relax and try to feel better by forcing this painfully silencing writer’s block from my hands for awhile before trying to figure out where to go from here. Part of my process, I guess. After this I hope I’ll be able to write something that helps me forget how fucked up life can really be. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget how fucked up people can be…or how even family can kick you when you are down.
So my two babies (really not babies anymore–5 and now 4 years old) live with my mom, Caroline, in Sherman, Tx. It sucks that we are so far apart and I already didn’t see them enough before all this craziness happened, but that’s the situation until I can make it better. Two years ago, Caroline and I had an agreement, under which I would get situated to her standards and she would assist me in getting my kids and taking them away from their mom. My ex had given her temporary custody for a year, after which she ended up moving in with my mom — I’m going to refer to her as just “Caroline” for the rest of this post due to the fact that after all this I don’t really have a “mom” anymore — Caroline, my brother, my “sister” (I don’t acknowledge having one of those anymore, either), Stephanie, her kid and my two. In a small three bedroom house. The entire year she lead me to believe that she was going to help me get them because she “didn’t want to raise any more children” and “[my ex] Liz is a horrible mother. They will be a lot better off with you, Christopher.” She even brought them to see me every weekend and I got to be their dad again while I had an apartment and was making money. True, we needed help with the rent sometimes and it was a struggle but I had family to back me up and what else is family for than to help each other when they need it, right? Families are supposed to stick together no matter how good or bad a person is doing in life. Family isn’t supposed to abandon family. She didn’t help me get my kids because I didn’t live up to her incredibly high standards. But I digress.
A few weeks ago, my “family” called the police because I was at Caroline’s house to see the kids. My own kids and all of a sudden I am no longer allowed to spend time with them. This is after I had called my ex to ask if I could come to see the kids. The next day I was almost to Sherman when she calls and says not to come because she is not feeling well. You think that’s going to stop me from keeping a promise to my little girl? Besides, it’s over an hour drive and I wanted to see my children, whom I hadn’t seen in some time due to her flip flopping just like this so I kept driving. Trying to respect her house, I had even called Caroline the day prior to ask her first. She had been friendly and cordial before the call so I was confused when she hung up on me after letting me know I was no longer welcome there. She cited the fact that I recently asked her not to contact me anymore on facebook. What’s wrong with preferring not to have possibly life changing conversations with a drama queen like her online? This was after she tried to have me committed to the Wichita Falls state hospital after telling me she was worried about me… on facebook. Isn’t that something that should be done over the phone, if not in person? At least give me a call before you try to lock me up.
As a side note: I find it extremely upsetting that someone’s “family” can turn things against them — not just little shit like messing with your mail or something; I’m talking about being taken in a police car and LOCKED UP for awhile in a mental institution — without any evidence of what happened almost a week after the fact, with just a word and a whim. Does this scare anyone else as much as it does me? People can lock you up under the guise of caring about you. What the fuck? They will tell you that you need help but I want to know what it is exactly that I need help with. Is it the fact that I have strong emotions I now and forever refuse to apologize for? Is it the fact that I could take or leave (almost!) any one of you without really caring one way or the other? Is that what I need help with? I need help with not loving you people enough?
A little about the “help” I was supposed to be receiving: For the past year and a half or so (really, since before hitting the wrong side of twenty-five) I have been struggling with depression (go figure) and Caroline, in one of her SuperMom moods, recommended I call the crisis line for help with it so I did. I got some medicine and some counseling but nothing that would ultimately help me because the reason I was depressed hadn’t been resolved. I’m a daddy without little ones to tuck in at night or cook breakfast for in the morning. Anyway without giving too many details, my girlfriend and I had gotten into an argument which resulted in me burning her with hot water soon after I started taking the meds I was given. I took her to the hospital and we made up afterwards and a week later we are in the shower at our hotel room when two Sherriff’s deputies come to the door requesting (strictly as a courtesy) to take me to the state hospital.
I spoke with a psychologist a couple weeks ago who informed me that my emotional outburst may have been caused by the antidepressants I was given and not the fact that I needed “help”. After all, if I was some psycho crazy person, wouldn’t I have been put in jail or involved in a high speed police chase resulting in my horrible disfigurement after the vehicle flips a few times and lands in a ditch … only to catch fire and my seatbelt is stuck and– Seriously, this is a whole week later, right? If I really needed “help” by being locked away, wouldn’t something have happened by then? No. We were in the privacy of our room, bothering no one when the cops knocked on the door. At the mental hospital, I read the report with Caroline’s signature and just lowered my head. Even then, the pieces hadn’t started to come together for me, yet.
Since the birth of my son, Caroline has made little half-jokes and slick remarks about me giving her my child. After my daughter was born, the undertones grew more serious. It was obvious she wanted to raise my kids because she just knew she could do a better job. Now she has replaced me in her little “circle of trust” with my ex like all of a sudden she isn’t such a “terrible mother” and I’m not the best choice for them and it’s pretty fucking obvious. I’m not just paranoid. She suggested I get help for my depression because I don’t have my kids and then she used it against me, citing some horrible craziness inside me (Like I’m going to hurt them, I think. Still not 100% on this). She later said she did it because she was concerned about me. Really? If you think something is wrong with your kid, wouldn’t you at least give them a call to see how they are doing like any other concerned parent with their child’s best interest at heart would do? What does Caroline do? The best she could do was hit me up on facebook asking how I was and saying she was worried and even though I told her I was fine, she gets overexcited and uses the opportunity to cement my non-custodial rights by shitting on my face and trying to send me away. Not that it’s anyone’s business what goes on in my relationships, but if it was anyone’s fucking job to call the police it should have been the supposed victim. Not some dumb bitch crusader dead set on holding me accountable for some shit that she knows absolutely dick about (due to the fact that she wasn’t even there) because she has nothing better to do… but thank you for your concern.
When I got another facebook message after leaving the hospital, asking where I was, I guessed that she was concerned again so I told her not to contact me. I think anyone else would do the same in my position. Honestly, I just want to be left alone at this point. I want for people to quit acting so concerned about me and just shut the fuck up or talk about something else already. I want for people to stop being so fucking fake with me when they are just going to call each other and talk more shit about me behind my back. It seems like my entire “family” is on one team and I’m on the other. My team has enough players to compete; we just have to bust our asses if we’re going to get an understanding between me and certain motherfuckers who want to treat me any way they feel. That’s what I’m forced to do now. I’ve got to prove myself to people I don’t even like. I’ve got to prove that I’m good enough to raise my own kids. I used to watch her get her ass beat by one of her three husbands when I was a kid. I’ve never put my kids through that but I’m the one who has to prove myself. They’re my babies. Mine. Still digressing.
So Stephanie was the member of my “family” who called the police because I wasn’t “allowed” to visit my own kids. I didn’t know this ahead of time, but still, I haven’t been blind to their bullshit for awhile. Peep game: How can you people judge me? What gives you the right? When Stephanie’s kid’s dad was running from a murder charge in San Antonio, she even helped him see his kid and everything. So if I haven’t murdered anyone, why can’t I see my kids? Even if I had, what makes you people think I would hurt them? I’m assuming that’s the reason because what other reason is there? Stephanie could very well be in jail right now for her part as an ACCESSORY AFTER the FACT to MURDER but I guess if you lie to the police detectives calling your phone, you can pretty much pretend it never happened. Right, Steph? I just want to know how come you are a better “baby mama” than you are a “sister”. No matter. Some people are put on this Earth to do nothing but procreate and that’s all they’re good for. How many abortions have you had now? Is it two babies now three now that you’ve killed inside you? Not that I’m against abortion or whatever you want to do, but don’t you think you should at least stop letting random guys come in you? Just out of personal health and well being, right? Anyway, go get ‘em, sis! You should actually carry a couple to term, that way you can take full advantage of government benefits like food stamps and stuff. Oh wait– You don’t need to have your own kids to benefit. You’ve got mine! Thanks for using my family for your needs. You people are great. You really are. I love you. <– That was sarcasm.
I know that was harsh… but fuck her, this feels good. Anyway, all the digression culminates to this one point: Just because a person (family member or not, but especially a family member) has not met your near-perfect standards doesn’t mean you should treat them like shit. Doing what you want just because you can is also a petty, childish reason. If I had money or status or something else of value they wanted or if they thought I was still one of them, good enough for them, this type of shit wouldn’t be happening. If I gossiped about other people in the family (a past-time with everyone in our “family”) this shit wouldn’t be happening. Using your grandchildren as pawns to get your son back for not loving you enough or for not being good enough for you or whatever… fucking pathetic. Have any of you judgmental cunts even considered putting yourselves in my shoes? It’s too late for that now but still — food for thought.
I guess all there is left to say is this: If you don’t talk about me behind my back, I love you. If you don’t plot and scheme on me in your free time, I love you. If you honestly have no idea what is going on and don’t want there to be a barrier between us because of a few dumbass people’s actions; if your daily actions show me that you genuinely give a shit about me, I love you more than anything. Everyone else can go fuck themselves. Seriously. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. You are not better than me and you are not a better parent than me or anybody else, for that matter. Judgmental cunt. What gives you the right? People are people. They make mistakes. When that happens family is supposed to be there to initiate uplift and support, not degradation and judgment. When you realize that you will be a much better person and maybe then we can be mother and son again (although I seriously doubt it). Until then, fuck you. Fuck your friends. Fuck your family. And fuck your little team of haters. Fuck you all, I can do this without you.
Sorry. One last time. Fuck you. Even if your kid is in the wrong, nut up and be the bigger fucking person. You keep asking where you went wrong with me. There’s your answer. You were never big enough to raise me. Never woman enough. How could you ask a guy you hadn’t even been with for that long take a belt to your kids? They’re yours. Own up to your responsibility (the “nutting up” I referred to earlier) and do it yourself. So fuck you. … I wonder how she would feel if I actually was crazy or suicidal or whatever she thinks I am. Would she feel vindicated or ashamed?
(Pause for effect.)
(Deep breathe/Psyche change)
Okay, I’m back. Wow, I feel better. Maybe now I actually will be able to get back to work. Seriously, when I told my daughter I would see her tomorrow, it was a promise and when I was asked by the police to leave, I felt as though I was doing so with my tail tucked between my legs. Even though I stood up for myself and my kids, even though I went there knowing I wasn’t welcome and even though I knocked on the door until one of my knuckles bled… I felt like a pussy. I wanted to kick the door down, grab the kids and head for the coast or something. I wish I had done that. For all their “concern”, the real people who are being hurt are my kids and I’m not going to just sit around waiting for them to reach the age where they can speak up for themselves. And while writing about it really does help, I am already on the ball trying to figure out what is next on the agenda.
So I say all that to say thanks for sitting with me through that rant and I hope there won’t be any more, but who knows? The world is full of idiots using their love for an individual (or lust or affinity or any of the other Ties That Blind) as an excuse to jack with their loved one’s lives. Most need somebody to tell them about themselves. Why not me? Plus, if I feel this good just calling things like I see them … how could it be bad?
I decided to upload some of the latest X pages I received from Tun a while back. Thanks again, guys. I love you all … unless I don’t. (You know who you are.) Next time there will be good news. Promise.
New update sooner than the last,